Are You Complaining instead of Confronting?

Are you prone to complaining but doing nothing but letting off steam to a friend, or a therapist? If I’m your therapist I’m not here to judge. But I would explore with you the question of what gets in the way of just having an honest conversation with someone, whether it’s a teacher, a friend, a family member or your spouse? If you are complaining about your life, what keeps you from making a change?

I believe that when you express anger and frustration about other people behind their backs, you don’t just want to vent and then go on with your day. In some hidden place in your mind, you must realize how important it is that the person you are talking about should hear it directly from you. You would like to change your interactions and figure out how to work together. You are afraid the relationship can’t withstand the strain of a conflict, yet you know that if this is confirmed, the relationship isn’t worth much.

When I work with you individually or as a couple, I hope to help you turn your complaints about what you’re not getting into the expression of vulnerable longings and direct asks, without knowing what the outcome will be. This is the harder task, to consider what it would be to have someone in your life really listen to you.

Perhaps the complaining presents an opportunity to fine-tune and clarify what you’d like to actually say. But if you decide not to say anything, then why complain at all?